Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
