I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
not ubering you a puppy
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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