soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
