Ambien. No doubt about it.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
