the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
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