Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
