I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Randomize
