It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Less talking, more tequila
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
