I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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