No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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