why didn't you poke me back
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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