Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
