I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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