You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Please don't give away my fajitas
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
