i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
