I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
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She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me