remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro