Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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