I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
