If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
