the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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