just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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