Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Randomize
