didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
