I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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