hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
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