Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Randomize
