I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
