Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
