I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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