dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
