sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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