I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Randomize
