My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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