i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
