My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
so much tequila, so little girl.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
My vagina just clenched in fear
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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