it hurts more in the daytime
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
