I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
