And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
