I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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