Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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