I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
