Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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