someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
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You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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