there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I cut my penus on the lid.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
