I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
