They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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