I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
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