my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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