Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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