I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
