my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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