So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
