Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
