i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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