Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
