I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
