I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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